i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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