yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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