this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
