Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
