Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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