PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
