4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
