i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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