remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
