I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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