worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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