Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
