Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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