he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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