everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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