I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
