And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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