shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Randomize
