def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
