The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
