last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
