She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Randomize
