i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
