I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
