Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
