How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
