Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
