just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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