I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Ladies don't puke and tell
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
