my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
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He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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