Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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