I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
