okay pat passed out under dana's car
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
