I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
