sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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