I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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