Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
