sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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