If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
