i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
