We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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