when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
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No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
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Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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