The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
