She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
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