I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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