so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
