I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
