"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
