3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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