She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
