And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
