the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
