I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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