Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
