im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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