Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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