Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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