I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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