WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
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at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I fill condoms, not promises.
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Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
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