We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
