I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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